Two For One

Woman 22


Here I sit writing a blog post in a room that is a fairly big mess. So why am I not cleaning it? Bottom line: it ain’t going nowhere. I’m on the upswing from a bipolar down, and the ‘bummer’ factor on this one was high on the scale of 1-10. No fair telling. Sorry. The reason I keep mentioning this is that the blog serves as a device to help me make it real rather than living within the infernal doubt that rides shotgun with an episode, either high or low. I’m guessing that we all have these times, illness or no illness. Or maybe not? I’d hate to think that mentally healthy people go through this and simply endure it.

I’ve looked for a spiritual source and have as of yet been unable to find one that even remotely resembles an answer. There is the Jungian archetypal and depth enhanced way of re-percieving bipolar to get a little better fix on what’s going on ‘in there’. But when I am not in balance, which happens less as time goes on, I am really too impatient to effectively keep my mind working and focused. It is busy with other things, and anything resembling management is temporarily out the window. I can start reading a paragraph in an article and then find myself just staring, unfocused, at the second sentence, which might as well be a splotch of dried ketchup at that point. It is inconsequential, yet the situation can be cleaned up by either wrestling focus into position or just letting in run free until it comes back home again. At times like that, of which now (as I write this) is included, I’m pretty much reliant on metaphors to keep me going, because linear, recognizable life isn’t actually in session. It looks like peeling paint on a plywood wall, curly, grainy, and in poor taste for those who can afford otherwise.

Likely I should not extensively follow the news of the day, from the internet, when I get like that, but I do anyway. During an active, unbalanced phase it’s not that I don’t know what is right or wrong, it’s simply that I acknowledge the value of that discernment and then go ahead and do it anyway. Right and wrong are roadsigns, not destinations. Control is not recognizable for what it is. Control becomes not so much a menace, it becomes like a horsefly. But I read the news anyway, eyes skimming like pelicans in a gale force wind, in search of something resembling sustenance.

Yup, I’ve got me a therapy session this afternoon at 4 PM. We’re going to look at self-esteem and self-worth issues. Not my idea of a good time but much good can come from such a session. What I am meaning to say is that it is worth the time. If I was courageous I would approach the issue of not wanting to be here on the Taos plateau. It’s a moot point because I do not have the resources to relocate.  Just a year ago I would have said that I had an issue of not wanting to be here, in this life. That’s progress, no?

“Everyone is a moon and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.” ~ Mark Twain

I was just looking at an online slide show of famous people who have struggled with major depression. Mark Twain was one, and I got to look at photos of Gwyneth Paltrow and Anne Hathaway. See, there are ways to brighten up a day.

Peace out, y’all. Goof gloriously.

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