The Existential Cage

Sam 2 004

Sam has a rare still moment.

Yes, I featured this cat before. It’s just that I love him so much, and I miss him since he went home. Good boy. That said I am thoroughly enjoying this morning’s first cup of coffee. The stars extended a healthy greeting upon my first venture into the outside world today. It’s an age old practice for me, to gaze at the early morning sky, or to gaze at the sunlit sky, both bits of gazing done for the simple reason that it satisfies my soul and soothes my mind and heart. Important things as far as I am concerned. Especially during times, like now, when I just can’t seem to get back up from the bipolar down cycle I have been enduring for a few weeks now. I am perceptive enough to know that becoming complacent toward a depressive phase is to give it a foothold that you don’t want it to have. You don’t want it, trust me on that. Yes things will eventually rise and you will feel better. But attend to complacency as you would a subversive scoundrel. It will leave the door open the next time you cycle down, so what should be a slow slide down is allowed to become a simple plummet. It’s dangerous. Don’t do it.

I’ve been thinking a lot, yet not compulsively, about subversion lately. Simple gossip or even a disapproving grumble can ease into subversion of someone’s personal life. Dr. Joyce Brothers once wrote that gossip is a community-building force. I agree, it can be. But I’ll go a little New Agey with this and say that intent can and will play a part, even subconscious intent, especially subconscious intent. Anecdotes morph as they fly. Harm can be the result. Why am I writing about this? One, because it is on my mind of late, and two, because I am nervous about some things in my daily life, about the potentiality around me.

The good news is that I got my Medicaid reinstated. I’d be screwed without it. But the continuance of Medicaid brought another dilemma to light. My yearly wages are so close to the Medicaid wage cap that I am obliged to remain in my job, and to refuse a raise should it be offered. As luck would have it I love my job, so I can cruise along for a few years, at which point I can begin too seriously examine what aging will mean to me socially and financially. That is another reason that subversion haunts me. But that could easily be clinical paranoia from either or both bipolar disorder and PTSD. My intuition tells me that I should be vigilant either way, actual or illusion, because subversion has neutral value if it never arises. Vigilance always has strong value. Dude like ya gotta pay attention dude or life can get all gnarly and stuff. That aside, it is one of the things I admire about cats: they have vigilance to spare. Friggin animals can sleep with one eye open. They are that good. Of course they can also see things that we can’t see. How cool is that! Boy howdy I can only pray for that kind of perspicaciousness.

We have a cat named Henry in the cattery. I can relate to the guy. He is in a relatively small cage and he is not happy about it. He’s grumpy as a result. He’ll let you touch him but he cringes, and holding him pisses him off to a large degree so we won’t do it unless it is necessary. The cat is scared and depressed. I am like that much of the time. If I were to go all existential I could point out that many of us live in a kind of situational cage. Making good of it is the right thing to do.

Peace out, y’all. Goof gloriously.


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