The Silent Dialogue

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Trying to live only in light, avoiding the shadows, we fail to live as full human beings. We need shadows to give form and contrast to the light.  ~  Christian de Quincey

I’ve just started the second pot of coffee, and the stars are beginning to fade. It’s a four cup machine, which gives me two, maybe three, of my accustomed size cups. Why does coffee alone have cups that are six rather than eight ounces? Moot point. After last night’s rain the air is thick and close. Sweet moisture on a cool high desert morning, it makes me smile. The only drawback is that the moisture carries the sounds from the highway much more efficiently; a bit loud for my taste. At this point it matters not what the day will bring. The day is already here and it is just fine, thank you. I was dog sitting last evening and I showed up at the house just in time to catch the beginning of Pope Francis’s sermon, broadcast on MSNBC. There was something there for me. I have to love the guy for that. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a cool guy and I love him anyway. What he pointed out is that Jesus accepted things as they were, not even looking at how he thought they should be. I need to remember that. I could have just as easily gotten that from a Buddhist but there was not one handy at the time. Some people say that the moment, the Now, is all there is; the rest is just an illusion. They may be right. My jury is still out on the issue, but it is a good way to live. I guess that the times when I am most well-practiced at that viewpoint is when I am stargazing. I’ll start out with plain old looking and go from there. They tell me

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 that my consciousness is out there among the stars, just as it is right here and now, where I am sitting. Some people who know me would probably say that a good part of me is “out there”, but that is neither here nor there. Yet I can visualize my conscious awareness moving out among the stars. It’s really nice out there, but the point of the exercise is that it psychologically helps me to grow larger than my problems and habits, and in doing so life moves more freely. Less stress less mess.

I had a realization the other day, and it came from my feeling so annoyed by watching someone playing music from their phone. My phone won’t play music. It’s not smart enough. Being a musician I felt peeved that the tiny tinny sound was so unlike the real stuff. Then it dawned on me. Back in my youth we used to listen to music on broadcast AM radio through the tiny tinny speaker of a Japanese transistor radio. What goes around comes around, right? However, we shan’t get nostalgic here. It just wouldn’t do.

Tired and achy, that’s me this morning. There’s stuff to do today but I don’t feel at all pressed, and certainly not anxious. Chronic anxiety is not at all like the day to day kind. But sometimes they blend so well that I can’t tell the difference beyond simply knowing that there is a difference. I’ve had a few bad days this past week, with depression and anxiety sitting like immoveable lumps in my way. It has all been manageable however. That’s what I would advise to anyone who has these illnesses and has yet to get some treatment or simple help in dealing with it. Learn to manage it. Don’t push it, don’t fight it. Find your rational power base and make yourself open to dialogue with the part of yourself that is feeling pointedly irrational.  Once there, remember that dialogue is sometimes completely silent, when the back and forth we might assume is necessary sits at ready amidst a calm acceptance, like when you are sitting with a good and true friend and nobody is saying a word. Communication doesn’t always require give and take. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. The question is: why and how did I let my heart go absent in the first place? And my spirit? Yeah, that too. I can call them back, and I do. That return, that reunion, may not make a dent in the illnesses I bear, depression, anxiety, and PTSD, but that just is not the point. The point is that of what some people call wholeness. I prefer Carlos Castenada’s term,  totality of being, because just the sound of the phrase evokes healing in my heart and mind. It’s all about magic and healing.

Peace out, y’all. Goof gloriously.

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