Pit Stops, Platitudes, and Paranoia

Lucas 031

“I think nature’s imagination is so much greater than man’s, she’s never going to let us relax”   ~  Richard Feynman

Edgy morning. I could blame it on the moon, but I think it’s just me. I had something happen yesterday that really brought my life situation into clear focus, as much as is possible anyway. I’ve pretty much coasted through life, but that is likely not a good idea anymore, for any number of reasons. No praise, no blame. The things I have to do to begin fomenting changes, to tighten up what needs tightening up, are no-brainers. Getting moving is the sticking point, and that obstacle lies smack in the middle of depression and anxiety.  Oh, if you are uncomfortable with this, just stop reading. I share my process sometimes. That’s what I do. Anyway – it’s seriously hard to describe how anxiety and depression make getting moving so hard. I mean, first motion isn’t bad, but any further motion gets sidetracked, hijacked, commandeered, whatever. I think it is partially an artifact of the racing mind. Note: I don’t like it when people call it ‘the monkey mind’, because the rise of Eastern thought has been so pervasive that that one little phrase seems like a platitude by now. I’ve long called it ‘the magpie mind’ and even that rankles me some at this point and place in time. How about the human mind? Why not, right? Of course with the Bipolar disorder the racing mind is on overdrive even at the pit stops. Shit, I just push in the clutch when I need a break. I’ve long practiced mindfulness as a “walking prayer”, which means that I use the details and actions of my everyday anyway life as a practice, that way I don’t have to sit down. That last part was a joke, by the way. The walking prayer reminds me to keep close to the sacred nature of everything I see or touch. Bipolar and PTSD are in there somewhere. I think it was the great Jimi Hendrix who said “Everything is everything”. Dude rocked. But, back to the getting in motion thing – it’s not space case stuff, it’s not an absent minded professor thing either. There is a strong element of crestfallen resignation involved. I’ve had a lot of that in the past two years, nearly to saturation point, most of the time. And it was amplified, peddle to the metal, when the animal shelter booted me two steps this side of useless. People may say that I take things too hard. Really? Ya think?! It’s like one of my coworkers at the shelter told me one day “the trouble is that you take things too personally, even when they are personal”, and I was like then why ya talkin’ to me anyhow sister. You’d think that life is just one long self-growth seminar. Oh, by the way, I strongly disagree with that former coworker. It sounded all too disingenuous for my taste, like what was being said lay behind the words she used, disguised in the way she strung ’em up, and the message was a simple reminder to stay in my place and not interfere with the actual power structure. Hey! Looks like I am healing – there was a time when this all would sound like paranoia. It still does. But paranoia is, as I see it, essentially pattern recognition. Time and space have been a friend in showing how things were connected back then, back when I was up to my brain in cat shit and newspapers. My spirit guide’s done a fair amount of whispering as well. She’s like dude, nice work Sherlock, ummm, I mean dude. I just had to get that out. I still love ’em all. We worked for a noble cause, together, as a team. I say this sincerely.

So, today it’s recycling, a nap, then some Spring cleaning. The nap? I’ve been up since 12:30 AM. Simple prudence. I could tell by my hair that sleep was fitful. Anxiety dreams. By now, with suppression in the past, the truth can be faced, even if anxiety remains. The anxiety is biological, a fact I have yet learned to live with, even though I’ve come a long way toward that goal. When people cheer at me to move on, bounce back, I don’t argue. In a depressed person the hippocampus can shrivel up. That’s where the resiliency comes from. Resiliency does not come easy for me. I’m not making excuses. I can still bulldog my way through these conditions, when that is appropriate. But sometimes acceptance is needed.

Peace out, y’all, goof gloriously.

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