“What greater gift than the love of a cat.” ~ Charles Dickens
“He loved her, of course, but better than that, he chose her, day after day. Choice: that was the thing.” ~ Sherman Alexie
Foggy and somewhat dizzy this morning. It snowed just a little overnight, and the effect upon the backyard is just right. Yes, I am feeling somewhat out of it, so far, today. This too shall pass, right? Perhaps a little too much to drink on Saturday night. I’m too old for that now. Not really old, I know, but too old for over imbibing. But I did get copious sleep throughout the day, on and off, yesterday. And I am a little shaky with or without alcohol. I am learning my lesson as I write this. Nice. Yesterday was mom’s birthday; woulda been 86. Her death was a heartbreak, but only because of the months before she actually passed. Those months left a significant scar. I do not regret it, at all. But I came to realize yesterday morning that my grieving for the love of my life, Lori, has not only been going on too long, it has become unhealthy and restrictive. I think that is what the imbibing was about. Too personal here? Nah, not really. I met somebody recently, and my nearly instant positive feelings of attraction mystified me. Where did that come from? I felt so good in her presence. There was nothing more to it than that. Yeh, chemistry, and smiles, bright ones. The point here is that I came to realize that Lori is holding me back, the memory of her death mostly. I felt offended by her death. I can cry about her now, but at first, over 20 years ago, I tucked the tears away, safely beyond reach. It was not a mistake. What is happening to me now, the changes, is that I am seeing Lori as a smiling presence, and not a shadowy and repressive memory. Lucky me. But that is why I was mystified. Because of the anchor-like weight that lifted all of a sudden. What exactly was that?! I had no idea that was there. I hope to see this woman again. Alas, today is not the day. Must go to work. I think it will be fun today, and that the “out of it” feeling will lift easily once I get moving. Like I said, I am always a little shaky, and to add to that I recognize a giddiness from the sweet encounter recently. My mind has never grown older. The inner adolescent is not very far away, ever, thus the giddiness. It has been a long time since I have felt this way. I deserve it. But for now, moving forward, I really must shower. Probly shave too. I wonder if it is still snowing. Gonna go look now, and take a few steps upon the snow with my bare feet.
Peace out, y’all. Goof gloriously.