In Plain Sight of Doubt

“For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path that may have heart, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length, and there I travel looking, looking breathlessly.” ~ Carlos Castaneda

“My desire for knowledge is intermittent; but my desire to bathe my head in atmospheres unknown to my feet is perennial and constant.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

“The Copenhagen Interpretation is sometimes called “model agnosticism” and holds that any grid we use to organize our experience of the world is a model of the world and should not be confused with the world itself. Alfred Korzybski, the semanticist, tried to popularize this outside physics with the slogan, “The map is not the territory.” Alan Watts, a talented exegete of Oriental philosophy, restated it more vividly as “The menu is not the meal.” ~ Robert Anton Wilson

Monday morning. Here I sit hoping for fresh news. All I get is the barking of dogs down the road a ways. And there I sat, waiting for coyote yips and wails to answer the dogs’ adamant proclamations. None came. Just dogs, and I have no idea what they were yapping about. Good enough. My thoughts are pretty much all over the field this morning. I don’t remember any details or features from last night’s dreams, but the feelings that followed me out of dreams are more positive than usual. Go figure. Large upon me is the reminder that life gives the raw material that we must use to . . . but, no . . . large upon me is a deep, abiding feeling of hope. Ain’t no friggin way that hope can even remotely be an option in among the messes in my life. But I said it is abiding, and it is. As a clinically depressive person I ‘know’ full well that there is no hope. But I also know better than that. Listen, here’s the thing. When depressed, if you yearn for hope, the only way to find it is to build it. Ain’t no good in tryin’ to get benefits from hope that vainly pops up suddenly, out of thin air, just because you came across some positive thinker who convinced you that just a change of attitude can conjure up authentic hope. I try to change my attitude like I change my socks. Don’t expect me to adequately explain what I mean by that. It is better left a mystery, because as a mystery it says a lot more than it would if I adequately explained it. It’s a puzzle. Puzzles like this are where I find the raw material to build hope that will endure, at least as long as it takes to reach the point where hope must be built anew. We are so married to the concept of linear time. The concept of eternal hope just baffles the bejeezes outta me. I mean, what’s the matter with intermittent hope? Not good enough for ya? Did you ever take into account that every once in a while your Mac or PC develops a glitchy attitude problem that is most easily solved by simply turning the thing off then back on again? You don’t need to know what went wrong. The fix is easy. This analogy is not intended to suggest that turning it off is death itself. To put it somewhat crudely, alls ya gotta do is ta git yer mind to shut the fuck up for a while. You can always think about shit later. That goes for hope too. As I see it, there is no actual need to carry hope with you everywhere, like it was your smartphone or something. It does not hurt to unplug things once in a while. That’s what I am saying. Soooo, dear reader, you may wonder if this blogger is currently building hope. Yes I am, and I am building it in plain sight of doubt and snarls and bouts of mopery. I don’t need a positive attitude. Sometimes I have one but it doesn’t need to be there to elicit nurturing growth and development; not if I am willing to build things that will get me there. It’s a “Field of Dreams” type of thing. Do ya want good things to come yet you are . . . dag nab it I was trying to pull off some clever writing there. My bad. Alls I was tryin’ ta say was ya gotta jest build it – and they will come. Whatever they are.

Peace out, y’all. Goof gloriously.

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