Adventures in Hypervigilence

“Patterns cannot be weighed or measured. Patterns must be mapped.” ~ Fritjof Capra

“In the words of Heisenberg, “What we observe is not nature itself, but nature exposed to our method of questioning.”  ~ Fritjof Capra

“Systems thinking is “contextual,” which is the opposite of analytical thinking. Analysis means taking something apart in order to understand it; systems thinking means putting it into the context of a larger whole.” ~ Fritjof Capra

“From where we stand the rain seems random. If we could stand somewhere else, we would see the order in it.” ~ Tony Hillerman

Boredom would be an easy option were it not for the fact that it is hard to be bored these days, weeks, months, whatever. For whatever reason I have been needing more sleep the past week or so. I could drift off right now. Sadly, it’s not a viable option. Today is a workday, a Friday, two days before the Full Moon in Sagittarius. Without going into a long pseudo-journalistic explanation let’s just say that this is a beneficial configuration for me, and it nicely fits in of late with my low-level fascination with pattern recognition, and systems theory as well. Good on me. Do ya really need pattern recognition and systems theory if ya work in a hardware store? Yeh . . . well, maybe not need. That is too strong a word. But the thing is that these two can be done most anywhere, most any time. In therapy, two days ago, I was trying to explain to my therapist why it is that I see paranoia as an errant process born of pattern recognition. Even when my mind and overt emotions are flirting with equanimity my body is still tensed up against some perceived threat. You can’t reason it away, this fear. The technical term for this is hypervigilence. That term carries a lot of weight. My neurosurgeon told me that I am hyperreactive, after I nearly landed a solid kick when he smacked me with that little hammer they use to check reflexes. And I was like dude just don’t go bangin’ on my right knee, k? But the real crux of the issue I am trying hard to express is that when I say “overt” emotions I am acknowledging that covert emotions are the problem within the problem of chronic persistent paranoia. These hidden emotions are part and parcel of PTSD. They can squeeze my heart in an instant, during most any social interaction. Those feelings are running high this morning. As for healing I have three medical events next week, with only Tuesday as a break between these events. Annual physical checkup on Monday with my lovely provider at the medical clinic, then psychotherapy on Wednesday, and massage on Thursday. This sequence of events should calm my inner cornered animal a fair piece. See, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I was facing back during the first year or so after the freak bicycle accident that begat my PTSD. I was essentially alone in dealing with a world that only remotely resemble the one that was washed away through head trauma. The thing is that nobody wanted to hear it much less actually talk about it. I have a deep, abiding sadness about that corrosive solitude. But we must endeavor to see such times as opportunities for healing, right? Yeh, right. Listen, I’ve gotta get my assets in gear here. The workday awaits. Onward.

Peace out, y’all. Goof gloriously.

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