A Kickass Mind-Duster

“He judged the instant and let go; he flung himself loose into the stars.” ~ Annie Dillard

“I am very frustrated by fear of imagination, I don’t think that’s healthy.” ~J. K. Rowling

“Every writer is a frustrated actor who recites his lines in the hidden auditorium of his skull.” ~ Rod Serling

“I wanted to scream. The panic built inside me like a volcano, pressing up through the layers of closed throat and clenched teeth. And then I thought, in a kind of delirium – if I scream, what’s the worst that can happen? Someone might hear? Let them hear.” ~ Ruth Ware

Wow, seems I’m all about Enya this morning. Or rather one song in particular: “Only Time”. I’m guessing this is about my mother; she used to lean on Enya in the months immediately following dad’s death. I get it. The music fits. Mine was different, but Celtic music did indeed soothe me. It is a soul thing. When I get some of the rich and soulful music I breathe easier and suddenly feel at home. But with dad, for me, it was Vince Guaraldi. Imagine that. Dad died a week past his 67th birthday. I got him a CD of Vince Guaraldi’s Greatest Hits, which of course was mostly music from the Peanuts gang on TV specials. But it also contains Vince’s “Cast Your Fate to the Wind”. That’s the one. That’s what I did when dad died. One thing about casting your fears and frustration to the wind is that there is no way of knowing the probability of their return, or when. That’s where I am this morning. Friggin stuff is starting to blow back on me. Yeh, it’s what the late, great Stephen Levine called “unattended sorrow”. Grieving will wait, forever, if you so choose, with consciousness, or not. If you are lucky it will grab you by the collar and shake some life into you before you die. So here I sit, and it comes, blowing back. Not a lot of sadness, really. Not today. I think I’ll step away from the blog for a few minutes, go outside for a smoke, and to see if it is snowing yet. I love it. The advent of a storm is usually a kickass mind-duster for me. Geez, them little cobweb spiders are industrious little critters, right?

It was the Frenchman. I’ve got a sense of inner peace this morning that is totally unexpected. It was the Frenchman, I know it was. Couldn’t have been sweet dreams because by the looks of my hair upon waking, there was no peace involved. Whatever. I’m just playing here. Yesterday the Frenchman asked me what I did on my day off. I told him I slept a good part of the day, with zero resistance to snoozing at a moment’s notice. And I sat still. He said we don’t sit still near enough. I concurred, adding that we are also way slack on silence. We smiled at each other. Brief and to the point. Silence and stillness, I feel them both in my heart upon this Full Moon. Though my illness has passed, healing of the damage done by the bug is underway. Luckily I have no compulsory or urgent things on my plate, and I don’t have 23 people to call on my smartphone should I come across a spare few minutes. In fact I may do the incommunicado thing and turn off the ringer on my low-IQ smartphone. Stupid friggin device. I pick up my phone and I’m like all “don’t get smart with me!”. Whatever. I’ve gotta get to it. Chances of snow are looking good. I’ll keep, throughout my workday, my head down and my eyes on the prize, which is simply working on some active, conscious healing, all the while remembering what the Frenchman said. And to that I add: que sera, sera.

Peace out, y’all. Goof gloriously.


Never Say Nevermore

“But pain’s like water. It finds a way to push through any seal. There’s no way to stop it. Sometimes you have to let yourself sink inside of it before you can learn how to swim to the surface.” ~ Katie Kacvinsky

“Pain in this life is not avoidable, but the pain we create avoiding pain is avoidable.” ~ R. D. Laing

“It was a long time since he’d done any actual clinical work, and obviously his sojourn among the academics at Saro University had attenuated the professional detachment that allows members of the healing arts to confront the ill without being overwhelmed by compassion and sorrow. He was surprised at that, how tenderhearted he seemed to have become, how thin-skinned.” ~ Isaac Asimov

“Trauma is hell on earth. Trauma resolved is a gift from the gods.” ~ Peter Levine

Maybe an inch of fresh snow. More to come, perhaps a lot, they say. I don’t know. It’s all good. At this time I am still going at it, to pull my consciousness out of that rather dreamy space that helps me heal. Workday today, no way am I going in there half awake. It’s either all or nothing. A young man a few days ago asked me if I am still feeling sick. I told him the actually illness – the virus – had past a couple of days ago, but my lungs were pretty much ravaged. Perhaps hyperbolic, I don’t know. He then asked “What do you mean by ravaged?”. I hate it when they do that. It makes me think they are either a covert therapist or a simply annoying person. I expect that from a therapist as part of their modus operandi. Ravaged means ravaged right? I expect people to know their definitions. And when I choose a word it is because that is the word that most closely conveys my meaning. And I’m like dude my lungs are all sore and stuff, and awww dude I still like get into some epic coughing fits. And dude, I’m kinda busy right now so why don’t you friggin whip out your iPhone and ask Siri dude. Cranky. I hardly know how to effectively talk to people these days. Some of ’em anyway. On a precariously related point, I bought a Kindle Flame to use in its Kindle reader function, so I can read at lunchtime, instead of feeding the ravens and crows, or gawking at existence like some knucklehead. Nah, I’ll still feed the birds. There’s one raven who knows me and knows my car. And he seems to be a positive thinker. Not once have I ever heard him say ‘nevermore’. Interactions with that magnificent bird have been a lesson in patience and payoff. It’s especially fun when he buzzes me while I am eating my lunch in the car with the door wide open. But it’s not about the bird. I’ll use the Fire for reading, but I also consider it to be a research bot. The Fire comes equipped with Alexa, who is much like Siri, only cheaper. The pad only cost me $50, whereas an Apple device with the same capabilities might put me back at least a full paycheck. I just spoke a command into thin air, “Alexa, play Scottish music”. That’s to set the mood for the uphill quest toward the workday. That’s some sweet music she pulled up too! I’ll use Alexa for word definitions and other references as I work on the novel. Instead of stopping to google stuff I can just speak it out loud and viola. Appeals to the teen geek in me, it does. Right handy as well. And on that note, bueno bye, it’s off to work I go.

Peace out, y’all. Goof gloriously.

Some Rich and Soulful Crankiness

“I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough, it’ll make sense.” ~ Ray Bradbury

“I think it would be well, and proper, and obedient, and pure, to grasp your one necessity and not let it go, to dangle from it limp wherever it takes you.” ~ Annie Dillard

“Share your weaknesses. Share your hard moments. Share your real side. It’ll either scare away every fake person in your life or it will inspire them to finally let go of that mirage called “perfection,” which will open the doors to the most important relationships you’ll ever be a part of.” ~ Dan Pearce

Wake up to a world gone mad. That’s easy to do these days, you just have to wake up. And in the spiritual sense as well. On days like today I like to just let all the nonsense fall and dangle, allowing my senses to tune in to only what is necessary. I’m really into necessity lately. I mean, I can see Jack Benny or someone, face in hand, saying softly “Is that really necessary?”. I’m feeling the urge to begin, finally cultivating my curmudgeonly side. These younguns these days got it comin’. And that Ringo hippie peace and love thing ain’t gonna get their attention. They don’t know what those things are so don’t even try it. It just serves to creep them out anyway. Bottom line is that I think it will serve my personal evolution to let loose and set free some rich and soulful crankiness. By this age we have all earned it. Indeed.

Peace out, y’all. Goof gloriously.

All in One Day

“Every spoken sentence beginning with ‘I Am’ is a powerful spell exhaled into action. Describe yourself wisely.” ~ Dacha Avelin

“The wounding becomes sacred when we are willing to release our old stories and to become the vehicles through which the new story may emerge into time.” ~ Jean Houston

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves. We must die to one life before we can enter another” ~ Anatolè France

Mindfulness has been pretty useful while I’ve been sick, and I have had a good run of maintaining it. It is especially useful in one of those extended coughing fits. But I’ve finally had it, damn it. This is really starting to piss me off. Alas, fantasies of it being over might be a bit of a stretcher at this point. The fits have returned for now. The mind is back to near as foggy as it was at max. That will lift on toward daylight, I can feel it. I’d love to vibe in to the approaching Full Moon but that access will have to wait until tomorrow. I just don’t have it in me to reach out into the cosmos and get my head up to go out into the real world, all in one day. Best go. Onward.

Peace out, y’all. Goof gloriously.

The Virus Without a Name

“It is change, continuing change, inevitable change, that is the dominant factor in society today. No sensible decision can be made any longer without taking into account not only the world as it is, but the world as it will be. This, in turn, means that our statesmen, our businessmen, our everyman must take on a science fictional way of thinking.” ~ Isaac Asimov

“You have a right to experiment with your life. You will make mistakes. And they are right too. No, I think there was too rigid a pattern. You came out of an education and are supposed to know your vocation. Your vocation is fixed, and maybe ten years later you find you are not a teacher anymore or you’re not a painter anymore. It may happen. It has happened. I mean Gauguin decided at a certain point he wasn’t a banker anymore; he was a painter. And so he walked away from banking. I think we have a right to change course. But society is the one that keeps demanding that we fit in and not disturb things. They would like you to fit in right away so that things work now.”  ~ Anaïs Nin

Gotta love this rain. On and off, all night long. This should wake up the skunk. They are such beautiful creatures, yet we all know what they do. It shows us that some things, being pure in their essence, present and accounted for, not lacking in authenticity, may simply stink on occasion; like that nice pachouli hippie lady who is always swaddled in her aroma; she knows how to wear herbal ambience like a natural. But tis a workday. Enough of all that nonsense. The illness that has been laying siege to my immune system seems to be on the retreat this morning. See, the rain is cleansing, and some of this is on the psychic level, which means that you may feel it, but not before your filters get a hold of it, to mask the hum of life. That hum may be just slightly into the subliminal level but it comes from deeper than that. The rain nudged me into the subliminal as well. Much of the time, while I have been resting in the name of this virus without a name, I’ve had to go the Goddess, to the Blessed Mother – maybe to Guadalupe as well – to nurture that dandy healing wave. I’ve been working on sidling up to the this healing energy. Boy howdy I was so tipped over into the masculine energy that it had grown hard for me to even spot the intuitive undercurrent when it rises smack in front of my nose. The nose will come in handy should anything stinky happen along. But it also smells the roses. On any timeline, at any given time, there is an archetypal Princess nearby: she of the roses. Sigh. Friggin sentimentalist, that’s me. Hopeless, hopeful, whatever. Yeh, feelin’ moderately romantic today. And in moderation I must meander into my workday.

Peace out, y’all. Goof gloriously.

Creature of the Night

“Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real.” ~ Cormac McCarthy

“That possibility suggests that we are part of a much greater system of many realities, within realities, within other realities. In this system, our world could be considered a shadow or a projection of events that are happening in a deeper, underlying reality. What we see as our universe is really us—our individual and collective minds—transforming the possibilities of the deeper realms into physical reality.” ~ Gregg Braden

“Simply touching a difficult memory with some slight willingness to heal begins to soften the holding and tension around it. ” ~ Stephen Levine

This is the first morning of Winter where the nighttime temperatures haven’t dropped below freezing. Imagine that. I didn’t notice at first why my room was so warm when I woke at 2 AM; analysis not something that I could get into under the circumstances. My waking mind indeed does sometimes break out of the Gates of Dawn, but it was 2 AM. My Dreaming mind lingered as a result. Quite comfy, that. It is still with me to a degree that surpasses the usual. This ‘usual’ kinda sorta got left in the dust. I rarely get sick. So I’ve been in and out of waking consciousness for 36 hours now. I detected no pattern. It was simply a matter of getting worn out by coughing, then back to sleep. It’s been pretty bad. Yesterday I awoke to a coughing fit that was there more than it wasn’t, for the first hour of my day. When it was over the silence was like that the morning after Hurricane Andrew. No, I wasn’t coughing that bad. The silence was my point here. It’s quite the same this morning, though there was less coughing this time. The pretty doctor lady said the goal was to get the lungs to unscrunch enough to let loose the mucus. Then it was “out you go, you dirty slime”. Read that with Sam Elliot’s voice and you’ll get a more accurate picture of the relief. Ya gotta be a special kind of stupid not to be grateful at a time like that. That began sometime during the night and at that point I was most definitely a creature of the night. Hey, I met Sam Elliot one time, and shook his hand, and thanked him for all the good work. He said “thank you”. He was buying (only healthy) groceries and I was selling ’em. Right now it is time to go watch the sunrise. Word is that there’s rain coming later on today, as the Sun falls from view. Whatever. I’m proud of myself for writing more than expected today. Yeh, I’m grateful. And I’m wondering what the hell the neighbor burns in his wood stove?! Sigh, it’s been nice to have the window open for the past hour.

Peace out, y’all. Goof gloriously.

All Stretched Out

“And yet it takes only the smallest pleasure or pain to teach us time’s malleability.” ~ Julian Barnes

“Okay, this is the wisdom. First, time spent on reconnaissance is never wasted. Second, almost anything can be improved with the addition of bacon. And finally, there is no problem on Earth that can’t be ameliorated by a hot bath and a cup of tea.” ~ Jasper Fforde

“You see, this happened a few months ago, but it’s still going on right now, and it ought to make us feel ashamed when we talk like we know what we’re talking about when we talk about love.”~ Raymond Carver

Yesterday, when I got home from work, it did not take long to notice that my accumulated tension from the day was expressing all over. There’s a lot more to it than that, but let’s just say I became squirmy and . . . I’m sure it is because I am sick, and sensitive, and cranky, and stuff. That kind of stored tension is something that is generally not on my radar, although it is truly omnipresent. So perhaps it shows how scared I am to leave home while sick, or at all, for that matter. The scaredy cat part of me is a strong sucker, and wise. It does not bode well to fight it. Now, here and now, moving forward, going up in the world, and I create my own reality. No, I don’t subscribe to that last one, simply because it smacks of solipsism, and I simply haven’t come to terms with that yet. I’m not sure I should! Boy howdy I gotta wrap this up and get to it. Time’s all stretched out these past few days. I wish I could do the same. Tomorrow, mon, everything irie.

Peace out, y’all. Goof gloriously.

Life Can Be a Dream

“You cannot imagine the craving for rest that I feel—a hunger and thirst. For six long days, since my work was done, my mind has been a whirlpool, swift, unprogressive and incessant, a torrent of thoughts leading nowhere, spinning round swift and steady” ~ H. G. Well

“For a time I hovered in that peaceful dreamland where nothing at all works properly but everything is okay.” ~ William Giraldi

“What gets us into trouble is not what we don’t know. It’s what we know for sure that just ain’t so.”  ~ Mark Twain

Here there be coffee! It’s been a difficult weekend, and I am not usually so eager for the coffee, but I simply need it this morning. The caffeine that is. I mean, I had no intention of falling back asleep earlier, but it overtook me, and I woke up a few minutes ago, feeling pretty good considering the past few days. I’d been feeling sick all week last week. Tuesday it started to grow more insistent. Wednesday and Thursday were difficult. Then came Saturday. The past few mornings were some of those deep cold mornings. I did not want to go out, and my skin was hurting all over, so when the frigid air hit skin anywhere it hit it’s mark. Anyway, these details are not necessary, but I needed something to wake the writer up to get this blog post going again. It works. Anyway, I went into work and told the boss I needed to go to Urgent Care as soon as my partner arrived for her shift. At Urgent Care I got a practitioner who . . . let’s just say she wasn’t the one I got last time, about a year ago, and that is something for which I am grateful. That one, a year ago, had me feeling patronized, which seriously had me pissed off. But I held my tongue. This one was much better, a highly professional, and sweet, young woman, obviously of Irish descent. I could honestly call her a cutie. I don’t know about you, but I am quite comfortable with cute medical providers. Just sayin’. I prefer women providers as well. That’s stems from my NDE and the Light Being who met me there: a Celtic goddess known for her healing touch. The goddess is in all women, right. You do the math. Turns out she put me on a nebulizer for five minutes or so, prescribed Albuterol, and a cough suppressant, and sent me on my way after offering me a repeat of the nebulizer thing should I feel overburdened breathing. A couple of those coughing fits the past few days were scary violent affairs. Suppressants are good. And I may well return for that treatment she offered if these here lungs still need such a thing. I was wheezing way bad by the time I had arrived. Two days before it actually woke me up, and as I was in a hypnopompic state, I heard it as a distant conversation. It was the darnedest thing. I couldn’t hear what they were talking about, then it turned out it was my lungs gurgling, and I was like all WTF and stuff. Anyway, Sunday was a day of rest, rather sleep I should say. Sleep in two hour chunks, starting at 10:30 Saturday night. On and off. Asleep then awake. It was like Moe Howard of the Three Stooges: “Hey! Wake up and go to sleep!” I complied. So I’m still in a doable dreamy state of consciousness this morning but I intend to work a full workday today. We shall see. Life can be a dream. Sometimes you have to get sick to be reminded of that.

Peace out, y’all. Goof gloriously.

The “Ha!” Part of It

“It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like “What about lunch?” ~ A. A. Milne

“We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over.” ~ Ray Bradbury

“One of the tasks of true friendship is to listen compassionately and creatively to the hidden silences. Often secrets are not revealed in words, they lie concealed in the silence between the words or in the depth of what is unsayable between two people.” ~ John O’Donohue

Time’s getting on for the morning. And it is wicked cold outside. Of course I still am getting the chills once in a while, so I may be biased about the wickedness of the cold. Nonetheless, regardless, whatever. By all rights I should have rested throughout the day yesterday, but I had a lunch date with an old coworker. We worked together for over ten years. No way was I going to cancel on that. She is one of my best. Now, getting over whatever the heck illness I’m fighting can resume. But here is the “Ha!” part of it. Such deep friendship is a true force in healing. I worded that sentence carefully; I did not intend to get all kinda sorta Hallmark-y on all y’all. So, yeh, it was good. The burger was good as well, though beef sits too heavy with me these days. Hmmmm, there’s nothing like a good burger, right. Ouch. In the meantime, my brain has about used up it’s allocation of energy for now. The body shuts off the least important systems to divert the energy toward recovery, then healing. Apparently the intellect can wait in such cases. Mine has to.

Peace out, y’all. Goof gloriously.

More Prudence Than Caution

“That the self advances and confirms the myriad things is called delusion. That the myriad things advance and confirm the self is enlightenment.” ~ Dogen Zenji

“Perhaps we all lose our sense of reality to the precise degree to which we are engrossed in our own work, and perhaps that is why we see in the increasing complexity of our mental constructs a means for greater understanding, even while intuitively we know that we shall never be able to fathom the imponderables that govern our course through life.” ~ W.G. Sebald

“When we’re deluded, there’s a world to escape. When we’re aware, there’s nothing to escape.” ~ Red Pine

Another sick day. That’s why I missed yesterday’s post. Respiratory stuff with a lot of inflammation throughout my body. Yucky, but it doesn’t feel serious. May get it looked at today anyway. I’d say it’s more prudence than caution. For me caution implies fear or trepidation whereas prudence simply says that it needs to be done, whatever it is, so do it already. Whatever. Anyway, I’m keeping this to just a howdy, and I sincerely feel grateful for those of you who read here. Audiences are good. Thank you.

Peace out, y’all. Goof gloriously.